"UNEXPECTED TERROR" Guest Post by Jake Bannerman

To me, the best horror is when it comes from something you never expected it to come from: for example, the horror I am going to get from Kate when she notices that this is all in capitals. I didn’t notice until I was almost done, and I wasn’t going to start over!
So, unexpected horror – like what, you may ask?

I am going to go over a list of things that in normal everyday life are not scary in the least. However, in the movies, they can be skillfully manipulated in such a way to make all of us piss ourselves with terror.

#1. The radio! Remember in ‘Christine’? “You keep on knocking but you can’t come in…” Argh, fuck that! Or how about in 1408 – of all things, the Carpenters? Karen Carpenter; the woman with the true voice of an angel – and Stephen King turned her into Satan!

#2. Little children. I mean, who is scared of kids? Not me, not in the least bit – I’ll dropkick the little bastards. But the number one example has got to be the two little bitches standing in the hallway in ‘The Shining’. Oh, my fucking leaping Jesus, kill them – kill them with fire! Then there’s the little blond Aryan child from ‘Pet Sematary’ – no, no, no, no! Kill him and the f*@#ing cat as well!

#3. The telephone. Oh, we could do this all day, starting with the original ‘stranger in the house’ calls and working all the way through to the semi-modern ‘Scream’! The opening of the first ‘Scream’ was just about as close to perfection as it gets; hearing her screams and struggles on the other end of the phone line was utterly bone-chilling.

#4. Okay, even the toilet can be frightening! I can think of three superb examples. Stephen King again, firstly – in ‘Dreamcatcher’ when Jason Lee gets the alien enema. Brilliance! Then in ‘The Amityville Horror’ when the toilet fills with blood; that would have been my first sign that something was wrong, surely! Last, but most definitely not least is ‘Crocodile’, when the giant crocodile comes out of the sewer and smashes through the toilet. Awesome!

Okay, well, that’s about as much fun as I can stand for today! Thanks, all of you, for reading my post. J. (Jake Bannerman)

Review Of "Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood!"

"Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood!" (2008) proves  way too sexually violent for me to recommend it to most viewers. Not only do men and women both get raped, but they might be missing limbs when the violent sexual crimes take place.  In one scenario? An almost fully-clothed zombie is having sex with a dismembered head ... From my own narrow point of view, I had to wonder:  "what sort of deviant mutant wrote this crap?"

BEYOND THE DRAWBACKS: This film has great zombie action in it, and while the dialogue is severely lacking  (i.e., "f*@#" is spoken every few words) and none of the zombie-characters look or behave even remotely like vampires (so putting "vampire" in the title makes no sense) the redeeming value from this movie is all about the fast action. I for one viewer, leapt out of my seat twice while watching, thanks to the element of surprise.  For example:  a cop is trying to make a getaway and suddenly a zombie appears from behind to nab him. The fright aspects affected me with HILARIOUS glee.

I also enjoyed the light-hearted humor presented throughout the full length of this film. For example, in one scene? An angry zombie flies in through window, grabs a woman, says "HUNGRY." She replies with: "Eat this" and blows the zombie head off with her oozie. Then? She turns from the zombie brains that are now spread on the distant wall and says: "Sorry about the mess dad."

If you've ever wanted to kick zombie butt? This might be your movie because there's LOTS OF THAT going on. It's what made the movie worth watching, to me.

RIDICULOUS SCENARIOS:
1. What the heck. Zombies rip off a woman's arm and THEN her dress (she runs screaming naked like a kid who stepped on a hornet's nest)! *SEE PHOTO*

2. Why does one cop carry 7+ identical hand-guns in the trunk of his car? Because this is "Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood!" That's why!

3. Female doctor Lisa plans to save the world by requiring all survivors to "make babies." Any intelligent viewer  is going to consider the backdrop in this movie and ask "For what? Zombie food?"

4. This flick suggests that watching zombies trying to get inside the white metal fence, with blood slathered all over that protective barrier, is a highly romantic scenario. It's presented as though couples are watching the stars and listening to Barry Manilow when they're hearing cannibalistic grunts and groans that stimulate their sexual appetites. Dialogue is: "This could be our last night on earth."

5. After the solar flares turn humans into zombies (think: cops and gangstah's fainting everywhere to disco-like lights flashing outside) fuel will no longer combust so vehicles don't work. Hurray for the electric car, which doesn't make sense, scientifically, because in the real world solar flares often impact electrical systems first. Meanwhile? In this movie, the electric car works when no other vehicles will run.

6. Dr. "Lisa" who admits she only has ONE clip for her machine gun sure knows how to waste bullets (unloading the entire enterage) while shooting a small group of zombies at the base of the stairs.

FASCINATING AND NOT ANTICIPATED SCENARIOS
* Zombies mutate rapidly so shooting them in the head suddenly no longer kills them.

* Zombies have become gigantic on a rapid scale, which creates a lot of suspense in this movie, and when the zombies pick up the escape-car it's suddenly apparent that nobody's going ANYWHERE, it's a hilarious surprise for the viewer!

DIALOGUE FROM THIS MOVIE

"The world changed last night cop. There's a whole new bad guy on the street." Spoken by gangster member to last living police officer.

"Blood sucking-mother-f*$#ers" says the head gangsta-dude.  "Succinctly put. Yes." Replies the scientist.

"We've got a regular Bruce Lee with us," says cop after observing heroic behavior by a gangster member.  "Whose Bruce Lee?" that gangster-hero asks.

"Who the F*@# are you mother-f*$#er" ... "I'm Wexler, mother-f*$#er" (typical dialogue found in "Mutant Vampire Zombies From The Hood")

"Oh hell no! I aint giving my johnson to no zombie bitch"

"Man! If the whole world is like this? Then I'm moving to Mars baby."

"Everything might be gone but you still got your woman. To me, that's lucky," (says cop to lead gangster).

Review Of French Horror "The Horde" {Fast Paced Zombie Flick}

Even though this foreign film is subtitled - the action, suspense, and hilarious-sort of "horror" make it a worth-see, in my opinion.  "The Horde" (2009 flick) features an end-of-world battle between cops, gangsters and zombies. Naturally the cops hate the gansters and visa-versa but the zombies hate (and wanna eat) EVERYBODY. So a bond between human enemies ensues - which makes sense because what's a zombie movie without unlikely allies?

PARENTAL CAUTIONS:
This movie is very violent. There's lots of testosterone-laden posturing, with profanity spelled out (thanks to subtitles). In one scene, a female-zombie's breasts are exposed and a fat and dirty old man suggests having sex with her corpse. The only token female in this film acts very much like an emotionally diminished hateful b*tch who runs around with her nipples showing through her skimpy shirt. This movie promotes cocaine use as a physical enhancing asset. 


THE MOVIE:Worth seeing for the zombie action and great make-up, this movie begins with bunch of dudes running around in ski masks carrying machine guns. It's not really clear what's going on at first but really cool suspenseful music plays in the background when a fat guy in a stained T-shirts comes out of his condemned building to order loiterers to push off.




OTHER FASCINATING DETAILS:
When a human is turning zombie, the transition is visible through the skin. 
ZOMBIES growl and walk jerkily like their neurological systems are NOT fully functional. In contrast? Those same zombies can also run at heroic speed.


GREAT DIALOGUE
‎"Gotta chop your leg off." (Spoken casually by a pick-axe wielding nut-job for a fat old man) "What?" (Asks the gangster in a suit, but he soon realizes the old fart isn't joking). 


EXCELLENT MAKE-UP
When someone gets beat-up, their face really shows it and the zombies are rather believable with their rotting flesh as well.


SCENES WORTH WATCHING OVER AND OVER AGAIN
1.  The female cop ends up alone and she's kidney-punching a female zombie. This scene is really AWESOME.  The cop begins slamming that female zombie's head repeatedly inside the cupboard door.  I cannot tell you how many times I rewound the movie for the replay. I had so much fun seeing the female cop just easily flip over a full-size refrigerator on top of the zombie too.  (It's so ridiculous it's amusing.)

2. Gangsta-in-3-piece-suit is repeatedly stabbing a zombie over and over and looks to the ceiling as though in orgasm. WTHeck? 

3.   Multiple scenes with head-butting and punching zombies ninja-style. There's also a scene where the heros cannot hold the door shut when ZOMBIES are pushing from the other side.

4. I kept rewinding to watch a very detailed scene where a zombie's head explodes (by machine gun blast) and it looks like a jar of jelly was smashed against the distant wall.


STUPID PARTS:
What's wrong w/this picture? Smallest person-female-is the one keeping the injured dude mobile while the big males all carry small handguns.

Gangsta's snort cocaine when zombies have taken over the world as though nobody should be keeping their wits about them to survive. 


Gansta shoves handgun in cops face then turns it around when the cop doesn't flinch (hands it to him). Partners now. 


Brave gangsta goes to investigate certain zombie growls when the room their groanings come from is full of flashing lights and the hero gets yanked off his feet ... hangs onto the lower part of the doorway while zombies eat his lower half.

Hello!

Now if someone can just tell me where term 3 went....

Stuff did happen (oh my goodness yes) but not so much on Skerricks.  For assorted reasons.  But I haven't forgotten you, and plan to do more in Term 4.

I have been working with lots of teachers and classes - that's been fun.  And the school now has a Plagiarism and Ethical Use of Information Policy (more later on that) which is launching into its initial implementation this term.

This week in the hols I'm at the ASLA XXII conference at St Ignatius this week, learning lots and looking forward to presenting on Tuesday (my topic is Re-imagining your school library - do come and say hello if you're at the conference).

Hope you're enjoying your hols.  I plan to do more here on Skerricks next term.  Really.  I promise.

Cheers

Ruth